The World of Screetus

If at first you don't succeed.

2012-01-29T10:10:00.003-05:00

Man, the evil spammer community sure doesn't give up, does it? No matter what the channel, it always seems like spammers are there with their blatantly obvious attempts to co-opt your account.

And they seem to like Twitter too. If you're a Twitter user you're probably already familiar with these spam attempts:
• The one where some Twitter user you've never heard of before suddenly "replies" to your tweet with nothing but a mysterious link. As if you'd actually click on a link with no information about what it is, from some stranger.

• The one where some mystery Twitter user claims "other people" are writing "terrible things" about you -- which of course you can see if you merely click on a mysterious link. Because that's not a painfully obvious scam or anything.

• And check out this latest one, where different people follow you, but they all have the same account description and they all urge you to visit the same link.

Wow, what are the odds that all these different people have the same account description? Or, for that matter, the same photo? How uncanny that "LizacnFillionse" looks the same as "Amanda Morris." Small world, ain't it.

Oh well. You keep trying, spammers. And I'll keep shaking my head at you.

On the scent.

2012-01-23T14:44:00.002-05:00

Brilliant idea for a superhero: Nose-tradamus. He can predict what the future will smell like.

Silent agreement.

2012-01-20T08:59:00.002-05:00

Just a reminder that great mimes think alike.

Pages of pages.

2012-01-13T18:54:00.001-05:00

Some people use their time off to go relax on a beach somewhere. I taught myself CSS and html5 then rebuilt four web sites.

Check out all these wireframes and layout sketches. My notebook is filled with them. Building web sites involves a lot of work and planning even before you get on the computer.

I rebuilt my agency web site, my personal portfolio site, Facing Toronto, my latest online portrait gallery and TransMegaCorp, my evil t-shirt and button company selling quality merchandise at low low prices.

You know what? I'm quite happy with all I accomplished.

United we cook.

2012-01-08T08:41:00.000-05:00

Just tried this recipe for Quebecois-style pea soup. I had to keep an eye on it because it was constantly separating.

Hello 2012.

2012-01-01T13:49:00.000-05:00

I wrote you all a personal greeting in the snow. What else are you gonna do in the snow belt?

And you can take that to the bank.

2011-12-28T15:00:00.002-05:00

The cashier asked me "how are you paying for this?"
I answered: "reluctantly."

A smart idea.

2011-12-18T18:06:00.000-05:00

If I ever become a residential builder, I'm calling my company Sherlock Homes.

Witness to history.

2011-12-07T19:36:00.005-05:00

13 countries. 4 days. 2 tracks. The first ever Roller Derby World Cup, held right here in Toronto, was actual sports history. And I had a track-side seat.

Followers of Screetus know I'm a roller derby photographer for the Toronto league in my spare time. So when I heard about this big event I thought I'd see if I could get on the photographer's list.

Apparently only 15% of the photographers who requested credentials for the World Cup got approved. So I felt both lucky and honored. "You earned it," said the head media guy, from the organizer, Blood and Thunder Magazine. Cool. Even got my name in the glossy program.

Anyway, to the event. It was huge. All the major media covered it. Here's CTV's take from ace reporter Ashley Rowe.

I'm a big fan of the innovative player names.

One of my personal shooting rules: if all the other photographers are sitting in the same place (and getting the same shot) then find a better place.

And bring a stool unless you like sitting on a concrete floor all day. Your back will thank you. My usual perch:

Pre-bout set up. It's good to work with another shooter so one of you can watch the gear while the other does whatever.

In addition to getting to watch and meet some famous derby stars, I also met several pro photographers whose work I've admired. They shared a few of their techniques with me.

The action is about to begin.

Derby fans rule.

I'm right there with ya, ladies!

I shot about 2,400 images over the four days.

Each day involved my shooting several matches, then the trip back to my place to process and upload selects to a shared media pool and my own flickr page. There was even a big media area at the venue for the out of town shooters to work.

Long days. Late nights. Oh well. Didn't feel like work 'cause I was having too much fun.

Got a kick ass series of actions shots and another series of game faces out of it. Also, roller derby teams on three continents are now following my twitter feed. Neat eh? Anyway, enjoy!

Just keep milking it, AMC.

2011-11-15T18:42:00.000-05:00

Here's my synopsis of every Walking Dead episode:
Character 1 is missing or separated from the group.
Character 2 is hurt and possibly separated from the group.
Character 3: "I'm super tense and could snap at any moment."
Character 4: "I'm super depressed and may end it all shortly."
Character 5: "We've got to keep going for, um, some reason."
Character 6: "Look out! Zombies!"

Passing Trains.

2011-11-14T20:12:00.002-05:00

Followers of Screetus will know about my various online portrait galleries, in which I ask random strangers if they'll let me take their picture and put it on the internet. Facing Toronto's my latest. But I've also been working on another photo series I call "Passing Trains."

The idea of it is pretty self-explanatory.

"Who's in the train across the track?"

Anyway it's an ongoing project; enjoy these latest images!

Get a grip.

2011-11-10T17:11:00.002-05:00

Check out the siping on these new snowflake-rated all-weather tires I just got. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout! It was time for a new set anyway.

Bet I won't be sliding through any Tim Hortons plate glass windows or skidding over 30-foot cliffs this winter!

A brilliant revelation.

2011-11-06T14:37:00.000-05:00

I love how the internet makes it so easy to find resources. Just think how hard it would have been to find a web designer or html coder before the internet existed.

Learning curves.

2011-11-01T19:04:00.002-04:00

Things I have unsuccessfully tried to teach my friend's three year old to say:

1) "Get your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape."

2) "Soylent Green is people."

That is all.

The business of business.

2011-10-13T20:33:00.002-04:00

Growing a business is all about networking and face time. Even the President, CEO and Absolute Ruler of the sprawling evil monolith that is TransMegaCorp has to do it.

What sort of people hold meetings downtown before the sun comes up? It's inhuman! At 6 am it's pretty much just construction workers on the subway. And people attending early meetings. And ravenous zombies, but you don't want to hear about boring stuff like that.

Oh well. Meeting number two was brighter.

Yet, ironically, the coffee was a dark roast.

Lots of running around, but at least I got a couple more business cards out of it all.

Sign language.

2011-10-03T21:06:00.002-04:00

Sure, I like roller derby for its intense neon-hued girl-centric violence -- I mean athleticism. I like roller derby for the clever player names like Mel Practice, Murder Death Jill, Mazel Tough and DefeCaitlin. But there's one element of roller derby I haven't mentioned before: the brilliant signs created by all the fans.

Take this helpful example from one of the off-duty referees. See? Roller derby is a learning experience for the kids too.

Cute overload!

Here's a strategically placed sign in front of this giant beeramid, which doubles as a backstop for players who go flying off the track.

And to think just one person drank all those.

Inspiration.

2011-09-12T16:18:00.006-04:00

One of the reasons I love checking out exhibits like last week's Abstract Expressionists is the fact that I've always been impressed with how a few simple lines on a page can have such emotional power.

It takes great skill to create a feeling or evoke some deeper meaning with just a well placed mark or two.

Robert Motherwell (an abstract expressionist himself) said "art is a feeling, not an object." That certainly applies to a lot of great work out there.

Kline's "Chief," for instance, consists of several bold black lines on a white surface, looks like a giant bug, is named after a locomotive the artist saw as a child, and evokes the feeling of inexorability.

I guess that's why artists have such power to inspire with their work.

The simpler a line drawing or a sketch or an illustration is, the more I'm impressed by its effect.

Ah, sometimes it's the small things that make you appreciate the big ideas.

Encounters.

2011-09-05T17:25:00.002-04:00

It was a weekend of exploring. I hope y'all had a chance to check out the Abstract Expressionists exhibit at the Art Gallery of Ontario.

I liked it, but I'd originally thought the exhibit was called Abstract Impressionists, so, you know, I was expecting Rich Little. Oh well.

Summer skies.

2011-08-30T19:43:00.000-04:00

One thing about August -- we sure do get some good light shows. How about that storm the other day!

Then there's tonight's sunset.

It's nice to have a balcony.

Wheee! Shiny new train.

2011-08-15T18:56:00.000-04:00

Hey, they're finally in service; only eight months late. This weekend, by sheer coincidence I got my first ride on one of the TTC's new subway trains.

Check it out: everyone on it seemed to be taking pictures. See how it's just one long, long car? You can see all the way to the front.

The pieces are connected with articulated sections that bounce a lot.

Then the whole train bends when we go around a curve.

And the map is electronic. See how it shows what station we're at?

And speaking of stations, how's this for awkward placement?

Both rockets look good, I just don't know which one to choose.

Consume mass quantities!

2011-08-07T11:38:00.000-04:00

With August comes Toronto's big street fest, Taste of the Danforth.

It's become a tradition to eat my way along Danforth Avenue. And there was much Greek street food to be had. Calamari.

Souvlaki.

Gyro.

Shrimp.

And for dessert a little corn.

Honey Balls!

Hey, I've been called worse. They're great with cinnamon.

A little chocolate ice cream with strawberries.

I may have set a personal record. Oh well.

Punk'd!

2011-07-24T15:06:00.004-04:00

Is it weird to enjoy punk music, but at easy listening volume?

These sorts of questions arise when one finds oneself at a dive bar on Saturday night listening to a band called SpitFist while a roller girl lets you feel how fuzzy her head is since she just got it shaved that day.

Anyway, I think punk would be great to listen to while stuck in gridlocked traffic on a hot July day. Just thinking aloud. Get it? A-LOUD? 'Cause it's... oh, never mind.

Shiny new toy.

2011-07-18T21:51:00.001-04:00

After eight years it was time to get a new Mac. I got the one with the built-in hadron collider and the optional teleportation pad.

My previous Mac was so old that several of the programs I had on it won't run on this new machine. I had this great app that was going to let me simultaneously take control of every world government and install myself as supreme ruler, but nope, the new Mac won't run it. Burn.

Other than that it works fine. I particularly like the video-conference features; I usually put on my giant furry suit though if I'm going to call family.

Street Meets.

2011-06-20T17:34:00.000-04:00

You know what summer in Toronto means. Street festivals!

I headed down to Little Italy for last weekend's appropriately named Taste of Little Italy with one goal: secure gelato. Started with raspberry from Big Chill.

Followed by a combination of mango and chocolate from Dolce.

And a little iced coffee for dessert.

Ah, street food. Nice to have you back for the season.

Hot stuff.

2011-06-02T20:33:00.001-04:00

Woo hoo! I made my own Japanese curry powder the other day. Took these ten spices. The wine in the foreground is for me, of course. Booze is an essential part of cooking, especially when the recipe doesn't call for it.

Wonder Twin Powers activate! Form of... Japanese curry powder! Came out pretty well too. So now I have two good curry powder recipes (the other is a family Indian recipe which is a little sweeter). See how exotic the house of Screetus is?

It's great with chicken and wilted spinach.

Bam! Pow!

2011-05-25T21:05:00.001-04:00

Someone asked me recently “how are you creative outside of advertising?” Naturally I mentioned this.

It’s been a good year for my roller derby photography. Several of my shots were used in a respected derby blog recently. Cool eh?

Also, check out this short film on the top roller derby team in Canada, which I had nothing to do with. Gives you a good idea of the sport and culture, if you're not familiar with it. And it's fun to watch. Enjoy!

The empire expands.

2011-05-19T21:14:00.001-04:00

You may think, as CEO of the sprawling evil monolith that is TransMegaCorp, my days are filled with nothing but society parties, exclusive dinners at the hottest new restaurants and the odd “campaign contribution” to certain political friends. That’s generally true, but every so often we do product development as well.

I’m not talking here about the enhancements we make to our cloned child workers but rather the new line of shirts and buttons made especially for you, our relatively loyal customers.

Our new line of QR-coded items, when scanned, reveal smart assed messages as only a true TransMegaCorp QR code can. See how distinctive and ultra-cool I look, just holding this button? The code reveals this message: “if you can scan this you’re in my personal space.” Neat eh? And there’s plenty more smart ass lines where that came from.

Anyway if you’re looking for something even more obscure than our usual items, then look no further than TransMegaCorp QR-coded shirts and buttons. Guaranteed to impress your friends. Or confuse them, if they don’t have a QR code reader on their smart phone.

Its genius is its simplicity.

2011-05-17T21:36:00.001-04:00

You know, even in our world of electronic interconnectedness, sometimes you just gotta go low tech and consult the neighbors. And as you can see, it worked.

I even got a compliment on the pencil holder.

Discoveries.

2011-05-08T19:31:00.000-04:00

Cool things I’ve discovered this week:

• While exploring with my visiting cousin, a new place in the Distillery District that makes its own sake. Also, that my cousin likes sake.

• This app that shows you where every streetcar is, and in what direction it’s going, in real time.

I’ve already used it several times this weekend and I love it!

• This raisin challah bread I got on this weekend’s grocery run.

• Jello wrestling is fun for the whole family. If your family is made up of multiple versions of me, that is.

Great fund raiser idea, Smoke City Betties roller derby team!

WTF?!

2011-05-01T08:07:00.000-04:00

What do you want to bet that this company started before the internet did?

I can just picture their advertising:

“Gee Bob, I can’t find a good commercial space anywhere. WTF?!”

“That’s right Dave, WTF!”

“What?”

“No, you got it the first time. WTF!”

Some TV commercials write themselves.

Meanwhile, the great thing about doing business in Chinatown is lunches in Chinatown.

That’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout!

Happy Unicorn Farmland.

2011-04-22T21:38:00.005-04:00

Am I the only one who’s discovered that the Foursquare geo-location service allows you to create imaginary destinations and then check into them? Or maybe I’m just the only one childish enough to keep doing it – which is why downtown Toronto now has a Magical Enchanted Forest, Secret Nuclear Bunker and Happy Unicorn Farm in the general vicinity of King and Spadina.

Of course one could actually turn this feature into a practical branding exercise – but that’s an innovative, constructive idea and therefore has no place on this blog.

Tell you what – give me a good imaginary location and the next time I’m downtown I’ll create and check into it. Ah, it’s nice to be endlessly amused by small things.

Latest brilliant idea.

2011-04-12T16:43:00.002-04:00

The next time someone comes up to me and says "I saw you on the subway yesterday," I'm going to say "was I wearing that Sailor Moon outfit?" just to see their reaction.

Hi, technology.

2011-04-07T20:28:00.002-04:00

Since it was so easy to generate a free QR (Quick Response) code last week, directing smart phones to Screetus, I decided to slap a similar code on my new business card too (although this code takes you to my portfolio site).

See how I'm super geeking out here? And get this -- the code is even scannable off this very photo (meaning you can hold an iPhone up to your screen and it will read the code). I haven't been this geekcited since the Firefly movie (also I just made up a word).

This QR code thing gives me a brilliant idea -- a line of t-shirts with QR codes on them, only each code takes you to some really obnoxious web site. Or wait! Wait! To some random stranger's facebook page! Why? No reason beyond childish amusement. And that's exactly what makes technology great.

Job hazards part two.

2011-04-03T21:10:00.006-04:00

AAAH! Look out! I snapped this shot just before the foreground player, who'd been shoulder checked, barreled into the photographer sitting beside me.

Hey, it does happen. Don't worry, no one was hurt.

Last derby weekend one of the pro photographers lent me a giant massive lens to try, an 80-200 zoom which was heavier than my camera body. Tried it for a half a game and liked it -- but I think I'll stick with my 85; it's faster and lighter and gives me good results, as you can see from the latest series here. Plus I won't have to feel like I'm lifting a Buick when I'm shooting.

Meanwhile I'm happy to report my facebook-based April Fool's prank actually worked. For those who were following Friday, you'd have noticed I managed to show up in Hong Kong, Baku, Madrid and Buenos Aires in the course of the day. That night at a party I got at least one "I thought you were in Europe..." What good is social media if you can't use it to mess with people's heads?

Gateway to Screetus.

2011-03-23T22:54:00.000-04:00

Fresh from the Geek-Out Department: it took me mere seconds to make this QR code using Zebra Crossing's free QR code generator. If you already use url shorteners like goo.gl (say for tweets or something), you can generate a QR code pretty much the same way. Anyway this particular code is a shortcut for your smart phone to this very blog. Neat eh?

Hey, here's an idea: print the code out and post it somewhere. Maybe some passer by will point their iPhone at it and end up visiting this blog.

Meanwhile, winter apparently was misinformed and came late to the end of season party. I shot this from my balcony (aka The Panorama Lounge) this afternoon. I imagine the snow gods are having a good laugh right about now.

Silent partners.

2011-03-18T10:33:00.002-04:00

Like many people, I find it amusing to think "what if famous companies had another business partner named Fester?" Would the relative value of their name change? Think about it:
Bang and Olufsen and Fester.
Johnson and Johnson and Fester.
Black and Decker and Fester.
Ben and Jerry and Fester's.

Has a nice ring to it, yes?

Job hazards.

2011-03-14T22:12:00.002-04:00

Shooting roller derby is not without its challenges. I’m not talking about players wiping out and sliding into you at speed (although I do sit at or near track side – it can happen but it’s rare). No, I’m talking about something far more problematic for a photographer: natural obstacles.

Or, in other words, referees.

Roller Derby has many referees because so much is going on so fast throughout the game.

They’re on the inner track. They’re on the outer track. They’re skating here, they're standing there.

So you gotta be quick with the shot. And every so often you manage a winner.

Wanna see more? The latest series is here.

Semantically speaking.

2011-03-06T13:26:00.003-05:00

Shouldn't a moratorium really be a lessatorium?
Just saying.

Stay calm, there's no need to panic.

2011-02-25T21:41:00.010-05:00

Ah yes, it's that time of year again. The time to write off all those "investments" in secret gamma ray testing facilities and child-worker cloning operations. Hey, a shadowy evil monolith like TransMegaCorp has tentacles everywh-- erm, has a lot of expenses. Yes, that's it, expenses.

Meanwhile, I don't know what I'm going to do when it's time for my mid-life crisis -- I have no desire to grow a pony tail and I don't care much about sports cars. Plus head room would be an issue, as you can see in this shiny new Camaro I checked out at the Auto Show.

Oh well, we all have a cross to bear, I supppose.

How to pick your nose.

2011-02-19T20:20:00.000-05:00

#LikeEverythingDay.

2011-02-14T19:45:00.008-05:00

I just had another brilliant social media idea: there should be a day where everybody “likes” every single item that appears in their facebook news feed all day. I even hashtagged the term #LikeEverythingDay on twitter (that’s where you put a # sign in front of the term, so that it appears on a twitter search).

Why? No reason, it would just amuse me. But also, facebook changed their rules so that only updates from people you interact with appear in your news feed unless you specify otherwise, so this ensures all your friends do.

I also wonder, would it crash their system? Almost half of all Canadians are actually on facebook (17 million out of 600 million users worldwide) so just think if everyone was liking everything all the time. Could be fun.

Back in the game.

2011-02-07T15:16:00.004-05:00

Roller Derby season has begun and that means I’m back at trackside with my camera, aiming for that ultimate “players flying through the air” shot.

Just as the teams analyze their performance after each bout, I review my photos and take notes on how I could do better next time. I take about 300 shots per game and narrow that down to around 10 or 20 that I think are worth keeping. As one of the pro photographers says, card space is cheap (SD card space, that is). And anyway your luck increases the harder you work at it.

I get a lot of tips from some of the pro photographers who sit in the media area; most are very forthcoming about how they get the results they get – one’s even offered me the use of a lens (I want to get better with my current one first). Naturally I compare my shots to theirs; ‘cause it’s not just about gear but technique.

A lot of the same fans and photographers attend every game; now that I know several of them, as well as several players (hey, I dated one, so that helps) each game is a little reunion.

Anyway, kudos to the league for their good pr. It’s got them City TV coverage, National Post coverage, BlogTO and Toronto Life coverage, and the season opener was absolutely packed – even with the snow storm.

Hey, some people have season’s hockey tickets. For me it’s Roller Derby.

Keepin’ busy.

2011-01-25T20:42:00.002-05:00

After the launch of a successful project I like to celebrate by not working. I believe it’s important to maintain the proper work/life balance; that balance being 10% work, 90% avoidance of work.

Fortunately when I’m not freelancing there’s plenty to keep me busy. I’ve the shadowy evil monolith that is TransMegaCorp to run. Big giant gallery openings at which to network (and by "network" I mean "chat with cute girls").

And the Toronto International Film Festival LightBox has a neato Tim Burton exhibit going on full of freaky puppets and weird drawings and stuff. Bring kids; it’ll give ‘em nightmares.

Ah, it’s a tough life, but someone’s got to indulge it. And I do mean indulge.

Snow, man.

2011-01-13T21:47:00.001-05:00

Blizzard! Hooray, it's finally winter in Toronto. Hey, it wouldn't be winter without a little snow. And it wouldn't be a snow storm without red signals all the way down the subway line. Oh well. I wasn't really in a rush to get to my destination anyway.

Ah, yes, the sea of ankle-deep brown slush; the sleet driving into your face. That's the Toronto winter I've come to know and love. Not.

Hey, well, no worries. Only twelve more weeks of this to go. In other news, my iPhone takes good pictures, wouldn't you say?

First adventure of the year.

2011-01-06T23:17:00.000-05:00

My life of glamor and adventure began early this year, with a photo and video shoot in the picturesque mountains of Quebec. Off our team flew with the rising sun...

Followed by a drive up to the remote wilderness...

We stayed in a little auberge, which was kind of like staying in someone's big house.

Someone's big house in which a really great chef happened to also be staying. Check out the menu.

Yeah, okay, it was all in French, but we managed to figure it out. For dinner I had the terrine of venison.

Followed by elk flank steak, which, shall we say, kicked flank.

Breakfast was good too; an egg baked into a phyllo pastry with a side of sausage, bacon and potato.

Oh yeah, then we started working. Points for anyone who recognizes mogul skier Alex Bilodeau, the first Canadian athlete to win a gold medal at an olympics held in Canada (at Vancouver, 2010).

He was very easy to work with and a super nice, down-to-earth guy who also laughed at my jokes between takes. So clearly he's extremely intelligent and sophisticated too. By the way, an olympic gold medal is actually quite large and heavy.

Anyway, it was around -10 up on that ski hill, but with no wind. That was lucky, because we were out there for five or six hours. Alex worked without a break, and that ain't easy.

Here he is going over my script with our French producer.

And then we headed home.

Only annoying part of the whole trip was our return flight -- delayed by so much time that the Island Airport closed and we had to divert to a remote private air field at the north end of Pearson, then take a shuttle bus to the main terminal. Guess it shows that Porter has the same unreliable service and unhelpful, defensive staff as every other airline. Oh well. It was still fun.

Hi stranger.

2010-12-24T21:10:00.004-05:00

Hey, wow, there you are. I was wondering what you were up to. Perhaps you were off touring TransMegaCorp’s far-flung maximum security sweatshops and child-worker cloning facilities? Or away on a mission to smooth over that last “misunderstanding” with a certain South American government? Maybe you were just busy drinking wine and enjoying baked camembert in Little Italy with your cute roller derby girlfriend?

Well, whatever you were doing, it’s about time you got back here. You missed a bunch of stuff: the western regional farting competition, a couple cold weather alerts and a special on swiffers over at Highland Farms. Okay, I guess you didn’t miss that much. Still, nice to see you again. Happy Holidays!

The things one does for girls.

2010-12-11T19:32:00.004-05:00

One of the things you need to know, if you're going to date a cute roller derby girl, is that on occasion you'll be attending roller derby league functions. And you'll be asked to wear team colors, which in my girl's case happens to be leopard print.

I spent days looking for the perfect leopard print suit, but for some reason they're very hard to find. Weird, right? Then some helpful gay gentlemen at Holt's suggested I do something with a scarf. They showed me how to make a sailor knot, but I thought, let's see what other options are out there.

Then I stumbled upon a web site that showed how to construct and make a cravat, which is really just a fat, lazy tie. I know what you're thinking, because I thought the same thing: you had me at fat and lazy. One trip to Fabricland, one tailor and one youtube video later, here is the result:

Now here I am in the classic fashion magazine pose:

The Sears flyer pose:

The sport watch ad pose:

The mysterious cologne ad pose:

And the hipster magazine pose:

Anyway the cravat was a hit with the team, and my date won the best rookie and the league's top blocker awards. That's right, my girlfriend's a badass.

Flight of fancy.

2010-11-23T21:45:00.001-05:00

This one's from the archives; my brilliant idea for a magazine.

It's a winner right? I was thinking of doing a whole series: Squirrel World, Raccoon Watcher, you get the idea. The great thing is, I once sent this image to some of my media buyer colleagues and they thought it was real. Um, I mean, why wouldn't they? Anyway, enjoy!

Of course it’s mainly for business.

2010-11-17T19:07:00.002-05:00

Wheee! A shiny new toy! I decided to join the 21^st century and get me one o’ them new-fangled smart mobile telecommunication contraptions, an iPhone 4 to be precise.

I’ve only just begun to scratch the surface of what it can do, and am particularly looking forward to trying out the telekinetic power, remote bank vault opener and cloak of invisibility applications, which I was assured came standard.

But you know, for all the thousands of practical applications out there, I think there’s a few that may have been missed. And so, dear readers, check out my suggestions for neat new iPhone apps:

• The Voice Substituter: when you’re making a call, this app makes you sound like the famous actor of your choice on the other end. Wouldn’t your friends appreciate feeling like they’re talking to Jack Nicholson, Patrick Stewart or Alex from A Clockwork Orange? I know I would.

• The Excuse Generator: Drawing on a library stocked by the best con artists, swindlers and used car salesmen throughout history, this app allows you to input your assigned task, and out will come a great reason why you can’t do it.

• The Gladiatorizer: Sure, you could take a nice snapshot of the kids and email it to Aunt Esmerelda. Or you could use this app to modify that snapshot so that everyone in it looks like they’ve been worked over by a Roman gladiator. For photos they won’t soon forget.

• The Predator Arm Bomb: Remember how in the Predator movies the Predators had those bombs on their arms that did that cool countdown before exploding? Well now your iPhone can too. Will it really explode? Try it today and find out.

• The Animal Translator: How do you know when a pigeon’s “coo…coo” means “I’m about to crap on your head”? With the animal translator app, of course. Works for dogs, cats, birds and assorted livestock, and guaranteed to at least provide a good guess.

Winners, right? Listening, app store?

Adult activity.

2010-11-14T14:07:00.002-05:00

Whenever I’m watching TV and the warning comes on that this program contains “adult situations” I think “What? They’re going to show someone filling out their income tax forms, talking to their doctor about cholesterol or attending a parent-teacher interview?”

Attention spans.

2010-11-07T12:29:00.001-05:00

In the world of ad agencies, creative directors have so many people knocking on their door that there’s no way they can remember everyone – especially from several years back.

Whenever I’m re-introduced to a creative director I met a long time ago and they say “your name rings a bell…” I always ask myself: are they thinking of that time you accidentally shorted out the building’s electrical system, caught their assistant’s pencil skirt on your portfolio case and sent a large color Xerox machine sailing out a fifth floor window to land on the CEO’s Buick? Or do they still believe it was that other guy?

It’s good to know a little bit about the people you’re meeting, so you can always casually respond with “I think we have met, back when you were at (insert impressive sounding ad agency name here).” Then they just assume you were some hired gun they met in passing instead of the featured story on America’s Most Wanted last month. Hey, failure to plan is a plan to fail, right?

Mob scene.

2010-11-01T20:32:00.006-04:00

People ask me what size crowds they get at roller derby games…

New addition to the family.

2010-10-21T10:05:00.006-04:00

Don’t worry. I love all my children equally. So what if my new blog is all fresh and shiny-looking? Or that I created it specifically to talk about emerging technology and how it impacts modern advertising? That doesn’t mean I’ll be neglecting The World of Screetus. Far from it.

Sure, sometimes I’ll be away, off exploring the new ways we all communicate and interact and thinking about how to pervert all that into selling things people don’t need. But you know I’ll always come back, ready to add to the elaborate paranoid fantasies and nonsensical ramblings that followers of Screetus have come to know and love.

Sure, the new blog gets a crisp, shiny template and thoughtful, well-written posts. But that’s only because the secret to success in advertising, or at the very least survival, is to stay relevant. I’m simply enhancing my personal brand and staying current, is all.

So don’t you worry your pretty little head about it. Everyone loves a classic. And baby, your look is classic. And who cares if the new blog has its own dedicated twitter feed and helpful categories? You still have all the cool links.

Hey, you’ll never have to compete for my attention. Or at least, not in any way that I’m prepared to admit to. There’ll be plenty of writing to go around. Now why don’t you come over here and say hello to your new brother, Advertunities. You know he’d like to meet you.

Tough crowd.

2010-10-17T11:21:00.004-04:00

I’ve set myself up for quite a challenge with one of my current Facing Toronto projects: people waiting in line for coffee.

It’s such a familiar part of the urban experience, isn’t it? A natural theme for a site that aims to capture Toronto day to day. But consider – I’m approaching people who haven’t yet had their morning fix. They just came off their commute, now they’re waiting in a line. Not the best mindset for saying yes to a photo from a stranger. So I’m getting more “no’s” than I normally do, feels like.

Then there’s the other challenge of having to be quick with the shot as the line is always moving. Oh well. If we’re not challenging ourselves regularly, where’s the fun? And at least there’s a coffee in it for me at the end.

Wheeee a shiny new train!

2010-10-14T20:58:00.001-04:00

By sheer coincidence I happened to be at Downsview Station today during the big public press conference and reveal of Toronto’s shiny new subway trains. Didn’t have a choice, really, since the fact that the new train was sitting on one of the tracks meant every other train coming into Downsview was backed up. Oh well.

Actually I missed all the speeches and stuff but I did get to check out the train and see the mayor take dozens of giant-camera-toting journalists through the cars. I like how the whole train is articulated, like our streetcars, so you can walk down the whole length of the train to a less crowded area. And dig the neat new electronic map that shows you where you are.

Too bad we won’t be able to look out the front and back of the train any more.

Also it seems they’re still intent on using those upholstered seats that are guaranteed to look like crap within a month.

Still, it’s always fun to get a sneak peak.

Gratuitous autumn leaves shot.

2010-10-13T12:12:00.001-04:00

Took it this weekend. Enjoy!

Spotted.

2010-10-07T19:20:00.001-04:00

Trends I’ve noticed this week:
• Dating site user names that end in “4u.”
• Candidates for city council calling for “change.”

Snap!

2010-10-04T20:50:00.000-04:00

I have to say I am liking my new lens.

My latest photo series even got a mention from the first place ranked Gore-Gore Rollergirls. Neat eh?

Mysterious Void.

2010-09-26T21:04:00.001-04:00

It amuses me how many people in Toronto have never heard of the subway stop near my place.

Granted, I’m at the top of the line; it was a convenient spot in which to hide from the law— erm, to save money for my own place downtown.

Fortunately, I have lots of helpful ways to create an image of the area for those who can’t quite picture it:

“It’s right by that abandoned old mansion on the hill – the one with all the lightning strikes and wolf howls every night. Oh this? It’s tomato juice, nothing more.”

“It’s right by that fenced off government facility with the black helicopters and all those green glowing lights.” Then I’ll hum the tune from Close Encounters absent-mindedly.

“It’s right by that maximum security prison for the criminally insane. You know, the one that had all those breakouts recently.” Then I’ll suddenly look all shifty-eyed and continually check the door.

“It’s right by that facility that looks exactly like the Soylent Green Factory. You can’t miss it, just follow all the missing persons signs.”

“It’s right by the abandoned experimental cloning facility. Near where all those pets and small farm animals keep disappearing.”

“It’s right by that nuclear reactor that has not been leaking radiation in any way whatsoever and is perfectly safe, I assure you. By the way, is it normal to be growing a third arm?”

“It’s right by that factory where TVs seem to fall off the back of a truck a lot. Incidentally, can I interest you in a great deal on a TV?”

Anyway, y’all should come by for a visit. Just think of the stories we could tell.